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Tuesday, May 31, 2005
This may just be me, but the days seem to be flying by! This is the last half an hour until the new month, June, 2005. I may have said it before, but I will say it again. I never expected to live to this date!!! This month I will celebrate my 58th birthday, still I'll say, "GOD willing". 'Cause, no one of us knows what to expect tomorrow. Now do we?
You can make plans, intricate and far-reaching. You can get as many people involved in your plans as are willing to be involved, you can put down money on an idea you want to bring to pass, and you can buy materials that you plan to use in bringing that plan to fruition. Yet and still, we don't know what will happen in the next moment, let alone in the next day, or in the near future.
Still I do make plans, and I still have things that I intend to do, someday. I am aware though, that I am not in charge of these days that continue coming, nor am I assured that I will be in any of the ones to come. There are always those wanting guarentees from you. "Will you do this, will you do that"?
How can any of us know? We aren't the masters of the Universe, or even of our own destiny either, for that matter. I just can't deal sometimes. It all starts when the days grow closer and closer to my birthday. Before I turned 50 years old. I had the perverse fear of being 50!! My Mamma died before she was 51, and I was so sure that I would share the same fate.
Even though I have two sisters, and one is four years older than I am. The other is six years older than I am, I never thought that they would never make it to 52 or older. That is the way with the mind. It only involves YOU. Never others. When I wake up in the morning, I never allow myself to arise from bed without exclaiming, "Thank you GOD, for another day!!! Amen".
Don't ask me why, I'm not particularly looking forward to the day. To tell the truth, I really never was happy about anything that happened to me, for long. With the exception of the birth of my three children, and then my grandchildren. That has never changed. I was very sad however when the euphoria wore off, and I realised that my own Mamma would not be there to see them grow up.
I am a singularly affected person, meloncholic, dramatic, and forever in deep fugues, due to my never having felt at home in my own body or state of mind. I tried forever to live in fantasy worlds, of other people's making. In books, and in movies. People have called me: Strong. Insightful. Intelligent. Caring. Loveable. Inspiring. Fun. Spritual. (And) other equally absurd adjectives that I totally don't ever associate myself with.
Maybe it is because I have had the ability most of my life to sink into myself and allow other facets of my personality to come forth, and carry on with what ever situations were presented before me. All the while, the "real" ME. The real person born, Pamela Grant Goodwin back on that hot summer day in June of 1947, was cowering in a corner of her own mind, quaking with abject fear and uncertainty.
What is wrong with me? I don't really know that anything is? I've never been diagnosed with insanity, and most of us don't think we are. If we're not out baying at the moon, or doing any number of things that are officially labeled "aberrant" in polite society, we think, "well, I must be O K A Y". Maybe we all do this? Could it be that I'm not the only one? Hummmmmmmm.
I'll think to myself, "You've accepted JESUS as your personal SAVIOR, and made HIM---LORD---of your life! You do believe that you're only a visitor on this (rock-heap called) Earth, because you KNOW someday in the good ole by and by, HE'S returning to gather all HIS saints (and you), to HIMSELF--where you all will be forever together with HIM in heaven, or somewhere close by, at any given time, throughout eternity, right? So, STOP STRESSING"!!! Amen.
Yet, sometimes in the dark of the night that I'm trying to sleep in. I'll hear a deep rumbling voice inside my head that is saying. "You know that THAT expectation is awfully close to the one that some people hold about the--MOTHERSHIP--coming back to get THEM, don't you"??
I refuse to claim THAT voice as any of my own personal alter ego's voices. It is totally foreign to me. Not that I haven't heard it before, just that I don't think that any of my other personalities are that macho man-ly. YOU SEE? Some of them may be tough, and clever, and even able to be manipulative, and crafty. But not one is overtly MALE. I enjoy being a girl.
Ahhhhhhh. That seemed nice and cathartic, I need to do this more often. I can take a deep breath now. I may not have cleaned ALL of the skeletons out of the closet. Or even wiped away any of the cob-webs out of the attic of my brain, but I feel lighter, more limber. Now, let me see how I do getting up from in front of this computer, and actually walking to the rest-room!! Weeble on parade!! Smooches. Pam
~~~~~~~~~~Pamela~~~~~~~~~~~
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Monday, May 30, 2005
Sunday, May 29, 2005
Memorial Day. Current mood: Sad and thoughtful.
Here I go again!!! Glory glory hallelujah, glory glory hallelujah! Glory glory hallelujah! HIS truth is marching on.
Today is "Memorial Day". This day is set aside to remember all those veterans that died, in various wars and police actions, at home and abroad, so that WE could remain free.
I don't know how many of you feel about this, maybe you had someone who died in a war, or in some other horrible way, and you do celebrate this day in honor of them?
Maybe you're the type of person who thinks wars are stupid, and you don't celebrate anything to do with them? Either way. I do, (well, not really) celebrate, but I remember someone that my family lost in a war.
My brother, Robbin Adair Goodwin. When I googled his name, this is the only information I got about him.
Robbin Adair Goodwin
Service ARMY
Rank PFC
City RIVERSIDE
Panel 09 EAST
Line 103
Date of Birth OCTOBER 4TH, 1944
Date of Casualty AUGUST 3RD, 1966
Age 21
He was so much more than these few lines in a list of casualities of the VietNam war though.
When we were young, Robbie was like Superman, Batman, The Road Runner, Captain America, and The Millionaire, all rolled up in one.
We, his younger sister, and brothers-(six of them), thought that he was the greatest, and to our knowledge, he was. I think our two older sisters felt the same way also.
After our daddy died in 1959, Robbie took over watching out for us, he did all kinds of odd jobs, like having a paper route, and being a caddy for the golfers at the local country club.
He always had dimes and quarters to give to us, after we did some little task for him, and we would fight to do stuff for him in any case! He was so cool.
My Mother depended on him alot. When I didn't do my dishes, and would sneak out of the house to go over a friend's place. A few minutes later, there he would be, and all he had to do was stand there and look at me. I went home and did my dishes.
Everybody that we knew liked my brother. He grew into a good person, oh yeah, when he was younger, he played at the same little league park as Bobby Bonds, and Robbie was a way better ball player too.
The Riverside Press newspaper called him, "The Minnie Minoso of the Little League" one year. I don't know if anyone even remembers Minnie Minoso, but I guess he was great in his day, 'cause my brother sure was!!
His funeral was so sad. It was closed coffin. They gave our Mother his Purple Heart medal, and a folded American Flag. He was only 21 years old when he died. He didn't even have to go to VietNam.
People had told my Mom to "plead a hardship", meaning with him being her oldest son, and her having seven children younger than he was, that she needed him to help care for them.
He wouldn't hear of it! He wanted to go to VietNam, so that he could send her more money.
Well he did. $10,000.00 in death benefits. That's what a person is worth to the Army, to the government. Ten thousand dollars.
His name is now "on the Wall", along with the rest of the brave men and women that died in VietNam. So when they had that traveling wall, that went around to all the cities in various states? Our family went out to see it.
You gave a name, and birthdate, (or whatever), and then they gave you a piece of paper with a number on it. You went and found the panel, and searched down it, until you came to "the name" you were looking for.
We stared at his name, and cried, all over again.
Even while I am writing this. I get tight in the throat, and have to blink my eyes to keep from crying. My Daddy died in 1959, my Mother passed in 1971. Yet, nothing makes me feel more sorrow than thinking about my brother, over there, all alone, in a foreign country, dying.
He needs to be remembered, and you better believe that ALL of us do remember him, and not just on Memorial Day, or Veteran's Day, or just on his birthday--October 4th, 1944--either but, everyday that passes, we remember Robbie.
You may not like wars, you may think holidays to honor people who died in them are stupid, and not worth your time, but that's okay, 'cause that is why they went and died. So that you could practice your own beliefs.
So, GOD bless them, one and all. Past--present--future. Amen.
~~~~~~~~~~Pamela~~~~~~~~~~~
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Friday, May 27, 2005
Hey buddies,
There is a cool site that I am now on. It's called "MYSPACE". There are THOUSANDS of people on this site. No Joke. So, if you want to make romantic dates, or you want to influence people with you views, or you just want to find some COOL new, girl or boy, friends!!! Hey, check it out? You may just change your whole life, Quien Sabe? Who knows? Oh and NO, I am not getting any commission from "MYSPACE". I just like it. Jeeeze!
http://www.myspace.com/pagrada
This IS the link to my own personal website on "MYSPACE", but once you go there, you can find out how to get your own personal site. It's alot of fun, and you might be surprised WHO is on "MYSPACE". (Besides ME, I mean---hehe. After all, I AM a celebrity,---in my OWN mind that is)!! I'm only here to HELP you people!!!
I just love to keep up on cool sites like this one and "MYSPACE", (and of course, www.neopets.com ). Which if you haven't visited, PLEASE do so NOW, (or whenever YOU want, OKAY)? Just a suggestion, not a command, MY PEOPLE, (so), "STAND DOWN". THAT'S an order!!----hehe. No need to get angry, calm down, calm down. I'm just kidding.
Keep checking back for more important news. Same blog time, same blog channel. Adios. Pam
~~~~~~~~~~Pamela~~~~~~~~~~~
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Wednesday, May 25, 2005
Have any of you ever heard of "Happy Tree Friends"?
I just found them today. I must say, they are the type of
Funnies that only the weak of mind like.
People like me. A few other people that I know also.
Try it, you might like it!
http://oasi.upc.es/~kiusap/flash/happy_tree_friends/
~~~~~~~~~~Pamela~~~~~~~~~~~
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Tuesday, May 24, 2005
Hey you guys out there that don't have to put up with cold weather. Just click on the link that a good friend of mine sent me. This is somewhat funny, but not to the person that the event happened to. Of course we all have our crosses to bear.
Our cross just doesn't seem to be as cold as this one. I agree. Thank GOD that I live in So-CAL. Where right now it is HOT all night long. SORRY GUY!! Pam
Thank GOD!! (we live in So-Cal) !!! This belongs in the Darwin awards!
<http://media.ebaumsworld.com/snowtow.wmv>
Brian
"Such a fine line between stupid and clever."Spinal Tap
~~~~~~~~~~Pamela~~~~~~~~~~~
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Saturday, May 21, 2005
Check out this site. Gio Stewart
<http://www.gioforadvice.com/>
~~~~~~~~~~Pamela~~~~~~~~~~~
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Ummmm..BLONDE
She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate" *
She put lipstick on her forehead beacause she wanted to make up her mind. *
She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order. *
She sent me a fax with stamp on it. *
She tried to drown a fish. *
She thought a quarterback was a refund. *
She got locked in a grocery store and starved to death. *
She tripped over a cordless phone. *
She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept. *
She asked for a price check at the Dollar Store. *
She studied for a blood test. *
She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats. *
When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur aroundthe home, she moved. *
When she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead. *
When she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" She turned around and went home.
Disclaimer: I've been blonde quite a few times in my life by choice, and I don't believe that even natural born blondes are dumb. I don't believe any such thing. Ditto for the other stereotypes people like to joke about.
Why did I post these derogatory remarks about blondes then? I don't know!!!
Maybe for a laugh, and anyway you can change the color of hair to whatever color you want it to say. I think at any given time anyone could be like this, not intentionally, but the slow in comprehension, the lacking in comprehension, whoever?
Seems like this is getting worse and worse. Anyway, Have a laugh. Today it is at the expense of blondes, next time it may be at the expense of someone closer? I have a headache.
~~~~~~~~~~Pamela~~~~~~~~~~~
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Wednesday, May 18, 2005
Hello everybody!! That's fun, saying "everybody" as if there is a whole world out there just waiting for me to come and post on this site!! Well, whether or not you're out there, I am HERE!!
Yesterday, (tuesday, May 17th, 2005), I really didn't care who was around. I woke up with a humongous headache, neauseous stomach, and just generally feeling like I was gonna die!!! In fact right at that point, I think I would have welcomed it.
Have you ever had one of those days? Nothing you had done, just woke up feeling like 100 miles of bad road? It is no fun, I tell you. For awhile I was thinking, "well, I sure don't feel like going on the computer today". I envisioned, taking some MORE equate extra strength pain relievers, and just laying back down.
Yet, I am addicted to the computer (!!). So, I just had to touch it, even if only to do my e-mail. Soon as I got on YAHOO, I saw over 100 emails in my inbox!! I thought to myself, "see you got stuff to do, you can't just hop back into bed and ignore this, why, by tomorrow there'll be that many more"!
So, I sat down at the desk and started opening emails. I have joined this group on MSN, and the sisters there pray for each other, ask for prayer, and give praise reports. Sometimes the manager of the site also posts sermons. I tell you it's very uplifting!! Even when I go and one of the ladies asks for prayers. It helps me take my mind off of my own woes, and focus on someone else.
Before long, I was feeling as if I might make it!! Of course there were fifteen or so posts on the site and I like to read them all, and even post a response now and again, just to say "hello" or add some of my own personal experience for someone else who is going through something that I may have already been through.
You'd have to be approved by the moderator, but if this is something that you have been looking for, you should take a look at it yourself. I'll post a link to the site at the bottom of my post. I love GOD, JESUS, and the HOLY SPIRIT. I don't know why THEY love me. Maybe because I am so flawed. I am wishy-washy to the point of almost being immobile in the face of any decision.
I don't know whether to eat or not to eat, if my daughter hasn't cooked anything, I will look in the refrigerator, see things there and think, "well, better not touch that, I don't know if Cherokee is going to use that later". She get so frustrated with me, because of that very thing, and I don't blame her. I'm like someone who's been brain-washed. I can't make a move, without an order to do so.
Most of the time I don't want to do anything but HIDE. Why? I don't know. It's another one of those mysteries in my life that either I cannot face, don't want to face, or I'm afraid to face it and find out the real reason why I am the way that I am. I just don't want to rock the boat. I don't want any more things or people in my life making me have to do things, or get involved with things.
I have enough right now to last til JESUS comes back!! So, most of my life is on this computer. I go out to shop, and eat with my daughter and my two nieces, I visit my oldest daughter and her family, and I go to Plushcafe and visit my son and his wife, that is a full enough life for me at this time!! I even stopped going to church with my two nieces, because that was making me have weird withdrawl sensations.
I can't explain that one. I started out loving to go. And I even volunteered to make phone calls, but there were ways to do that, and ways that you had to report which calls you made, and what was said, and how the calls went, you know: protocol. I can't handle that, I couldn't handle that, I had to quit. That made me feel guilty. Then they changed the way the church met.
Now, it was more like a "coffee shop" atmosphere, we sat around a table, and had these little groups, and you could go and buy coffed and drink it while the ministers were giving the sermon. I just got very uncomfortable in that setting, I don't know why. It was meant to be more intimate, and I assume that Michelle and Charlene enjoyed it. I just didn't.
I couldn't bring myself to go any longer. I felt very guilty about that also. I really liked the people at the services, that I had met. I probably allowed the devil to run me out, and I was too weak to stand against him. That is why I join on-line prayer groups, and get bible scriptures sent to my email box daily. To encourage me in the LORD.
Anyway, I haven't forgotten how much I need GOD in my life, it is just that I don't want other people there along with HIM. That is so wrong!!! It's like that old Bill Withers song, a part of it states, "It's like a man loving JESUS, but swears he can't stand the Jews". I claim to love GOD, but I am not so fond of people.
Whom HE loved without measure!! One thing I know is that serving GOD means serving people. We are HIS top priority. I can only take the human race in small doses.
Wouldn't you know it? I got this "mini-sermon" in my email just today, (just right now as a matter of fact), from my prayer group! Very timely, wouldn't you say??
************************************************************************************
I desire you today. Your presence delights MY heart. There is no need to hide. With ME, you are fully accepted. There are no barriers. Let ME never be far away. MY throne of grace is always open. Come boldly before ME and I will shower upon you MY mercy and love. Even as I am hungry for your presence, I want you to be hungry for MINE. Seek after ME with all your heart. MY presence will envelope you and IT will go before you. So, come and let us walk together hand in hand in the cool of the day. Let us be excited about this day and all it holds. I desire you today.
************************************************************************************
Yep, I do feel that GOD is listening and watching every word I think, speak, or even type!! Whew! Pam
Here is that link. Hope that you check it out.
<http://groups.msn.com/login_info.msnw?referer=join&ru=http%3A%2F%2Fgroups%2Emsn%2Ecom%2FTru2GodAlways%2F%5Fjoin%2Emsnw%3F&commname=Tru2GodAlways>
~~~~~~~~~~Pamela~~~~~~~~~~~
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Thursday, May 12, 2005
BOW DOWN.
Bow down and worship Him
Worship Him
Oh ---- worship Him
Bow down and worship Him
Enter in
Oh ---- enter in
Consuming fire, sweet perfume
His awesome presence fills this room
This is holy ground
So come and bow down
Bow down
and worship Him, and worship Him. Amen!
To all who read this post. May HIS HOLINESS,
FATHER GOD, bless you and yours, in
all things, good and proper. I pray for my
friends and aquaintences daily, and I remember
to say: GOD'S will be done, in each and every
life that I come across, while I am surfing
this site. All the Glory goes to GOD
ALMIGHTY. HALLELUJAH!!! Amen.
~~~~~~~~~~Pamela~~~~~~~~~~~
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Sunday, May 08, 2005
Name: Pamela Grant Daniels (nee: Goodwin).
Parents: Gilbert Grant Goodwin and Lugenia Cornelia Strickland (Taylor-Goodwin).
Birthday: June 25th, 1947. Two weeks after my dad's birthday (June 10th), and two weeks before my mom's birthday (July 9th). Special, huh?
Siblings: Yes, I have: two sisters. Billie Jean Price (nee: Strong), Anna Elizabeth Akers (nee: Goodwin). and seven brothers. Robbin Adair Goodwin (deceased, VietNam conflict, 1966), Gilbert Eugene Goodwin, Loran Cornelius Goodwin, Kenneth Milton Goodwin, Patrick Lynn Goodwin, William Grant Goodwin, Craig Bennett Goodwin.
Birthplace: Riverside, CA. In the back seat of a Chevrolet car, driven by my Dad's cousin Audrey. Going down Magnolia Avenue towards the hospital.
Current Location: Riverside, CA.
Eye Color: Brown.
Hair Color: Brown, darker brown than my eyes.
Height: 5' 0".
Weight: Just over 140 lbs. (sigh).
Right Handed or Left Handed: Right handed, all the way.
Your Heritage: I say, "Black". Yet, there are a few others races in there that made me, ME.
The Shoes You Wore Today: Black swimming shoes (for boys). They're cute.
Your Weakness: Very handsome men. I get weak kneed around them.
Your Fears: I can't really articulate my fears.
Your favorite Pizza: Sausage with green pepper, mushrooms and onions, lots of cheese, thick soft crust.
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year: To help make my family solvent, happy and ALL together in one huge mansion, like on "Dallas". (the T V show).
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger: I don't used any IM messenges.
Thoughts First Waking Up: "Whoa, I'm still alive!!!, Thank YOU FATHER GOD, for blessing me, and all my family also!!! Amen".
Your Best Physical Feature: My face, people still tell me I am pretty.
Your Bedtime: I don't have any special time to go to bed.
Your Most Missed Memory: Making love (with my husband, kissing him). Long ago sad memories. "Sigh".
Pepsi or Coke: Diet Pepsi.
MacDonalds or Burger King: Bruger King. Really Carl's Junior is best to me!!!
Single or Group Dates: Single. To the Drive-in, or to dinner. Fun!!!
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: Nestea or Lipton, no difference to me, but with lemon.
Chocolate or Vanilla: Vanilla, with frozen sliced strawberries on top.
Cappuccino or Coffee: I don't know if I ever had a cappuccinos? I love coffee with lots of creamer (Hazelnut flavor), and fake sugar.
Do you Smoke: Not anymore, it's been over 38 years since I did it, seriously.
Do you Swear: No, damn it!!! Hell no! (sometimes, but not often). :)
Do you Sing: It's not good anymore, but I still do it.
Do you Shower Daily: No, but often enough for my skin and hair to always smell good.
Have you Been in Love: Yes, and I still am in love.
Do you want to go to College: Not only no, but HELL no! See, you made me cuss!
Do you want to get Married: I am still married to my first husband, (for 34 years now)!!
Do you belive in yourself: Believe what in myself? WHAT???
Do you get Motion Sickness: No.
Do you think you are Attractive: Yes, for my age.
Are you a Health Freak: No, I hate to focus on myself, or on my health.
Do you get along with your Parents: They are both deceased, but yes, once I did get along with both of them. I was Daddy's little girl right up until he died.
Do you like Thunderstorms: If I am in the house, and it is dark and I am warm, sure.
Do you play an Instrument: No, I never had the descipline to take lessons.
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol: Yes, a little bit of wine. White Zinfandel. At Plush Cafe.
In the past month have you Smoked: NO. Not in over 30 years!!!
In the past month have you been on Drugs: Yes, the doctor gives me drugs for my ailments, of which I have many. Diabetes and so on.
In the past month have you gone on a Date: NO.
In the past month have you gone to a Mall: Nope.
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos: No, none.
In the past month have you eaten Shushi: Yes. California Rolls.
In the past month have you been on stage: Yes. I sang at Garth's going away party, with my Granddaughter, also at Plush Cafe.
In the past month have you been dumped: No.
In the past month have you gone skinny dipping: NOOOOOOOOOOO.
In the past month have you stolen anything: No.
In the past month have you been called a tease? NOOOOOOOOO.
How do you want to Die: Peacefully in bed and without too much pain. Please GOD?
What do you want to be when you grow up? I'd like to be a woman of my word. (I am grown-up chronologically). I still feel like a youngster though, in my mind!
Where would you like to go in this world. To bed. To sleep. Perchance to dream?
Do you take drugs: Yes, the doctor has prescribed me plenty of medications that are serious drugs. For my Neuropathy, diabetes, osteoporosis, chronic pain, et'c, et'c, et'c!!!
Number of CDs: I own: 2 or 4, I guess? I listen to Cherokee's, she has hundreds of them.
Number of piercings: Four.
Number of piercings in each ear? Two, all together I have 4.
Number of Tattoos: None.
Number of things in my past I regret: None, I've been forgiven for everything I've ever done!!
IN A GUY/GIRL:
***For me, it's guys all the way, okay? *** So, here goes.
Eye Color: Green, Blue, Hazel then Brown. Grey would be heaven to see.
Hair color: R E D, is my favorite hair color. I also like: Blonde or brown, and Bald!!
Height: Long as he is over, 5' 5", I'm cool.
Race: I don't see race in a person. Only personality!! (or even nice features), at first.
Personality: I like a man to be open hearted, nicely funny, loves his own family, treats his mother, and father with respect!!, but he's independant, likes to go out to movies, loves to snuggle, not too aggressive in love-making, tender, a "one-woman man attitude" at all times.
Job type: I don't care what he does, as long as it is legal, moral in nature, and he is happy at it, and willing and able to pay the rent, and still have money left over for food bills, and fun, also. Alot to ask? I don't think so!
Car type: I really am not a snob. I would be happy, if he does have an automobile, it is in good working order, and he keeps it very clean. I'd even help with that.
Looks: I really don't have to have an adonis, but he has to be able to enter a room and Not scare people!! I like a clean person. One that smells good and likes to shower or bathe. Wears clean clothes everyday after work! Hair, lots or bald, just so long as it is neat!!
~~~~~~~~~~Pamela~~~~~~~~~~~
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Saturday, May 07, 2005
Today is saturday. I have a wonderful feeling this morning. I have gone and read a few of my acquaintences blogs, some of their archived blogs, and I feel that I have something to contribute to someone, with the offering up of my own experiences.
When I was a teenager/young adult, we were in a period of war, the same as it is today, but it was our time, we were passionate and opinionated. We didn't think that we were going to live to 21 at that time, so we thought that we had to do everything "right then", we had to fall in love, have kids, (if we were so inclined), maybe we even had to get married? It had to be quick, and it had to be now, and it sure wasn't painless. Yet, in alot of ways it was fun.
It was the time of "make love not war"!! "Give peace a chance", "I'm leaving next month, and I don't know if I'll ever see you again". It was because in those days, VietNam was so HUGE, 'cause guys right around my age were going, lots didn't come home, alive, even my brother Robbie went, and sadly he also came home in a coffin. We (lots of my friends and me), thought that this was "the beginning of the end". When life kept going on, and on. I think that things got so bad, that I was slightly disappointed, I was tired of the fighting.
I had my child, I had had the "love of my life", and it hadn't worked for me. I made alot of bad choices, not the decision I made to keep my baby, but the one of not getting married to the first guy that asked me, even though he wasn't the baby's father. I don't know why I felt that that was the life I wanted? Being an un-wed mother? An un-wed teen-aged mother, and high school drop out at that? As days went by, the realization came upon me, hey, this is HARD, WORK, WOW!!!!
What happened to the fun? What happened to the songs we sang about peace, and the wine that was always pouring so freely, and the running around in the streets like maniacs, we were constantly screaming out, "HELL no, we won't go" !!! Lots of us didn't go. Yet, stil it all stopped, and I saw that all I was facing was the fact that I had bottles to make, and diapers to change, sometimes a sick baby to care for, and no man there to help in any way.
Then I decided if I was left with a baby to raise, and a job to get to do that. I had better go back and finish school, so I got my GED, and went to work. Anyway, that story has been told over and over, spoken about, and hashed over, so I'll stop it right there. People get tired of hearing "how I got over". Oh yeah, that baby got on all right, he is a wonderful man as I know him, and love him.
I am a different person now, but I must admit, I did alot of stuff, I've gone through alot of stuff, and I survived alot of stuff too. I like to be asked questions about it, and I like to tell people that just like I did, you can survive all of the wrong choices also. With GOD, all things are possible!!!!!! But let me tell you that, without HIM??? Life is hell, on wheels, going downhill, on ice!!!!!
Life went on, and we are in alot of pain now, and we are so scared right now. Even with GOD right here, I am aprehensive ( in my natural state), about my future. The world isn't a nice place, things are chaotic, and craziness and total insanity abounds. I have to think that it will soon come to an end, at least an end to the things that we are going through right now. When I read my scriptures, I do have hope. I don't even look at death the same as I used to.
I just trust in the LORD with all of my heart, I don't lean to my own understanding, in all my ways, I acknowledge HIM, and I have faith that HE has directed my path, all the way". One day at a time, that is. (and). I take things one day at a time. Oh, don't get me wrong!! I still "bitch and moan", but that is just human nature, and if I am one thing and one thing only, it is human!
Okay? I never claimed to have all the answers, heck some of the time, most of the time, actually, I am grossfully unable to even formulate any of the questions, let alone know many of the answers!! I do have several experiences under my belt, and they are right here on the surface, waiting for me to take them out and dust them off, and offer them to someone else, in hopes that it might help someone else avoid the ruts and pitfalls that I myself fell into along the way to where I am now!! Which is no more and no less, than a 57, nearly 58 year old surviver.
In my fifties, still alive, (for the most part), and still in a position to think that: Love still is the most wonderful thing in the whole world!! That being with someone that makes you laugh and is always right there for you and you are right there for them is truly something special, and that having your spouse as your dearest friend is a total miracle that needs to be blessed and nurtured and taken care of as if the promises (to love honor and obey) were made of pure platinum!!
We know how precious that is. Right?
~~~~~~~~~~Pamela~~~~~~~~~~~
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Wednesday, May 04, 2005
You were my man, my darling, my hopes, my dreams. For you to understand what this means.
I will explain.
I stood all the jealousies, and all the bitching too.
Yes, I'd forget them all, once in bed with you.
Oh, darling! How could we end up like this?
Oh, baby, let me reminisce.
And when we, "ooooooooooo", we stopped the hands of time!!
You set my soul on fire, and my one desire was to love you,
and think of you with PRIDE., and keep you
satisfied.
Oh baby, oooooooooooooooo baby! We could not bear down
'neath the strain.
Leave you? I never meant to, now you seeeeeeee how much
you hurt me, but, if you ever need me?
I'll be by your side. For the many happy times
we shared.
Take the good along with the bad.
I've NEVER loved nobody, like I loved you baby, but
Now, it's time for us to say, "farewell".
Farewell, my darling! Maybe we'll meet,
Down the line?
It's too late for you and me.
Much too late for you and I.
Much too late for you to cry.
It's too late for you and me.
Much too late for you and I.
Much too late for me to cry.
Oh, we tried, GOD knows we tried.
Now, it's too late.
(There's a bit more to this song, but it loses something in the writing down. Because when
Marvin Gaye sings it, you can hear his pain in the song, I think that he was singing the song
to a real woman, maybe his wife, Anna? Or someone he really loved and had to leave? I
don't really know for sure. One thing that I do know, is that I sing this song in many of my
own dreams, to my husband, Richard. and I know in my heart that it is too late for us. I can still cry for the loss of love, even though sometimes I believe that the actual emotion is, and always was, only in my own mind. This is why this song stays on my mind day after day,
month after month, year after year. It won't let me go. Me with the tender heart).
~~~~~~~~~~Pamela~~~~~~~~~~~
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Monday, May 02, 2005
To my brotha's and sista's with some sense: DOES THAT MEAN I'M NOT BLACK.
DOES THAT MEAN I'M NOT BLACK ? By Reginald Jackson
I grew up in the ghettos and the slums of St. Louis, Missouri, I vowed early on in my life that my background would not define me I swore if I got out of the "hood" I was never going back Because I choose not to return, does that mean that I'm not black?
I spoke proper English, got straight A's in school, Because of that I was ridiculed and told I wasn't cool Is ignorance our only measure, I hope that's not a fact, Because I'm educated, does that mean I'm not black?
I teach my sons the value of education and doing well in school, I'd hate to think that one of mine was known as the neighborhood fool I ride them hard about their grades and don't cut them any slack, Because I want them to be smart and successful does that mean that I'm not black?
If I go to a nightclub and a brother steps on my shoe, Is punching that man in the face the thing I should do If I choose to forgive him and not create some flack, Does my understanding and compassion mean that I'm not black? Black people spend a lot of time focusing on material things, Fancy cars, expensive clothes, and flashy diamond rings I don't wear baggy clothes or wear my hat turned to the back, And just because I don't do so, does that mean that I'm not black?
I grew up when Rap music was about entertainment and fun, But now all Rap music seems to be about is bitches, drugs, and guns I choose not to buy into that, because I think its whack, But because I don't like gangster Rap does that mean I'm not black?
We don't respect anything, don't respect anyone else, It seems to me that being black these days is all about yourself There's nothing wrong with loving who you are and all the things you do, But I was taught to respect myself, and to respect other people too, We walk around all angry with bad attitudes, It seems to me being black these days is all about being rude. I'm not dissin' or hatin', I'm just simply stating the facts, But because I do not hate the world does that mean I'm not black?
My brothers and sisters all brag about being gangstas and thugs, All of our movies and music glamorize violence, crime, and drugs But I refuse to reinforce our negative stereotypes, I want my life to represent more than just bullshit and hype When I hear the phrase "ghetto fabulous" I think what's up with that shit, I grew up in the ghetto and there was nothing fabulous about it!
The ghetto ain't filled with nothing but poverty, dirt, and squalor, I'm a tell y'all like Marvin Gaye said, it makes me wanna holler!But all B-S aside, I'm trying to keep it real, I love my black people, that's just how I feel So no matter what I've said tonight, I hope you've got my back 'Cause in the immortal words of Run DMC, I'm proud to be black!__________________________________________
"A man will never put forth all his energies, if he lacks something outside himself to draw upon" - Unknown
"To love someone deeply gives you strength, being loved by someone gives you courage" - Lao Tzu
~~~~~~~~~~Pamela~~~~~~~~~~~
This may just be me, but the days seem to be flying by! This is the last half an hour until the new month, June, 2005. I may have said it before, but I will say it again. I never expected to live to this date!!! This month I will celebrate my 58th birthday, still I'll say, "GOD willing". 'Cause, no one of us knows what to expect tomorrow. Now do we?
You can make plans, intricate and far-reaching. You can get as many people involved in your plans as are willing to be involved, you can put down money on an idea you want to bring to pass, and you can buy materials that you plan to use in bringing that plan to fruition. Yet and still, we don't know what will happen in the next moment, let alone in the next day, or in the near future.
Still I do make plans, and I still have things that I intend to do, someday. I am aware though, that I am not in charge of these days that continue coming, nor am I assured that I will be in any of the ones to come. There are always those wanting guarentees from you. "Will you do this, will you do that"?
How can any of us know? We aren't the masters of the Universe, or even of our own destiny either, for that matter. I just can't deal sometimes. It all starts when the days grow closer and closer to my birthday. Before I turned 50 years old. I had the perverse fear of being 50!! My Mamma died before she was 51, and I was so sure that I would share the same fate.
Even though I have two sisters, and one is four years older than I am. The other is six years older than I am, I never thought that they would never make it to 52 or older. That is the way with the mind. It only involves YOU. Never others. When I wake up in the morning, I never allow myself to arise from bed without exclaiming, "Thank you GOD, for another day!!! Amen".
Don't ask me why, I'm not particularly looking forward to the day. To tell the truth, I really never was happy about anything that happened to me, for long. With the exception of the birth of my three children, and then my grandchildren. That has never changed. I was very sad however when the euphoria wore off, and I realised that my own Mamma would not be there to see them grow up.
I am a singularly affected person, meloncholic, dramatic, and forever in deep fugues, due to my never having felt at home in my own body or state of mind. I tried forever to live in fantasy worlds, of other people's making. In books, and in movies. People have called me: Strong. Insightful. Intelligent. Caring. Loveable. Inspiring. Fun. Spritual. (And) other equally absurd adjectives that I totally don't ever associate myself with.
Maybe it is because I have had the ability most of my life to sink into myself and allow other facets of my personality to come forth, and carry on with what ever situations were presented before me. All the while, the "real" ME. The real person born, Pamela Grant Goodwin back on that hot summer day in June of 1947, was cowering in a corner of her own mind, quaking with abject fear and uncertainty.
What is wrong with me? I don't really know that anything is? I've never been diagnosed with insanity, and most of us don't think we are. If we're not out baying at the moon, or doing any number of things that are officially labeled "aberrant" in polite society, we think, "well, I must be O K A Y". Maybe we all do this? Could it be that I'm not the only one? Hummmmmmmm.
I'll think to myself, "You've accepted JESUS as your personal SAVIOR, and made HIM---LORD---of your life! You do believe that you're only a visitor on this (rock-heap called) Earth, because you KNOW someday in the good ole by and by, HE'S returning to gather all HIS saints (and you), to HIMSELF--where you all will be forever together with HIM in heaven, or somewhere close by, at any given time, throughout eternity, right? So, STOP STRESSING"!!! Amen.
Yet, sometimes in the dark of the night that I'm trying to sleep in. I'll hear a deep rumbling voice inside my head that is saying. "You know that THAT expectation is awfully close to the one that some people hold about the--MOTHERSHIP--coming back to get THEM, don't you"??
I refuse to claim THAT voice as any of my own personal alter ego's voices. It is totally foreign to me. Not that I haven't heard it before, just that I don't think that any of my other personalities are that macho man-ly. YOU SEE? Some of them may be tough, and clever, and even able to be manipulative, and crafty. But not one is overtly MALE. I enjoy being a girl.
Ahhhhhhh. That seemed nice and cathartic, I need to do this more often. I can take a deep breath now. I may not have cleaned ALL of the skeletons out of the closet. Or even wiped away any of the cob-webs out of the attic of my brain, but I feel lighter, more limber. Now, let me see how I do getting up from in front of this computer, and actually walking to the rest-room!! Weeble on parade!! Smooches. Pam
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Sunday, May 29, 2005
Memorial Day. Current mood: Sad and thoughtful.
Here I go again!!! Glory glory hallelujah, glory glory hallelujah! Glory glory hallelujah! HIS truth is marching on.
Today is "Memorial Day". This day is set aside to remember all those veterans that died, in various wars and police actions, at home and abroad, so that WE could remain free.
I don't know how many of you feel about this, maybe you had someone who died in a war, or in some other horrible way, and you do celebrate this day in honor of them?
Maybe you're the type of person who thinks wars are stupid, and you don't celebrate anything to do with them? Either way. I do, (well, not really) celebrate, but I remember someone that my family lost in a war.
My brother, Robbin Adair Goodwin. When I googled his name, this is the only information I got about him.
Robbin Adair Goodwin
Service ARMY
Rank PFC
City RIVERSIDE
Panel 09 EAST
Line 103
Date of Birth OCTOBER 4TH, 1944
Date of Casualty AUGUST 3RD, 1966
Age 21
He was so much more than these few lines in a list of casualities of the VietNam war though.
When we were young, Robbie was like Superman, Batman, The Road Runner, Captain America, and The Millionaire, all rolled up in one.
We, his younger sister, and brothers-(six of them), thought that he was the greatest, and to our knowledge, he was. I think our two older sisters felt the same way also.
After our daddy died in 1959, Robbie took over watching out for us, he did all kinds of odd jobs, like having a paper route, and being a caddy for the golfers at the local country club.
He always had dimes and quarters to give to us, after we did some little task for him, and we would fight to do stuff for him in any case! He was so cool.
My Mother depended on him alot. When I didn't do my dishes, and would sneak out of the house to go over a friend's place. A few minutes later, there he would be, and all he had to do was stand there and look at me. I went home and did my dishes.
Everybody that we knew liked my brother. He grew into a good person, oh yeah, when he was younger, he played at the same little league park as Bobby Bonds, and Robbie was a way better ball player too.
The Riverside Press newspaper called him, "The Minnie Minoso of the Little League" one year. I don't know if anyone even remembers Minnie Minoso, but I guess he was great in his day, 'cause my brother sure was!!
His funeral was so sad. It was closed coffin. They gave our Mother his Purple Heart medal, and a folded American Flag. He was only 21 years old when he died. He didn't even have to go to VietNam.
People had told my Mom to "plead a hardship", meaning with him being her oldest son, and her having seven children younger than he was, that she needed him to help care for them.
He wouldn't hear of it! He wanted to go to VietNam, so that he could send her more money.
Well he did. $10,000.00 in death benefits. That's what a person is worth to the Army, to the government. Ten thousand dollars.
His name is now "on the Wall", along with the rest of the brave men and women that died in VietNam. So when they had that traveling wall, that went around to all the cities in various states? Our family went out to see it.
You gave a name, and birthdate, (or whatever), and then they gave you a piece of paper with a number on it. You went and found the panel, and searched down it, until you came to "the name" you were looking for.
We stared at his name, and cried, all over again.
Even while I am writing this. I get tight in the throat, and have to blink my eyes to keep from crying. My Daddy died in 1959, my Mother passed in 1971. Yet, nothing makes me feel more sorrow than thinking about my brother, over there, all alone, in a foreign country, dying.
He needs to be remembered, and you better believe that ALL of us do remember him, and not just on Memorial Day, or Veteran's Day, or just on his birthday--October 4th, 1944--either but, everyday that passes, we remember Robbie.
You may not like wars, you may think holidays to honor people who died in them are stupid, and not worth your time, but that's okay, 'cause that is why they went and died. So that you could practice your own beliefs.
So, GOD bless them, one and all. Past--present--future. Amen.
<
Hey buddies,
There is a cool site that I am now on. It's called "MYSPACE". There are THOUSANDS of people on this site. No Joke. So, if you want to make romantic dates, or you want to influence people with you views, or you just want to find some COOL new, girl or boy, friends!!! Hey, check it out? You may just change your whole life, Quien Sabe? Who knows? Oh and NO, I am not getting any commission from "MYSPACE". I just like it. Jeeeze!
http://www.myspace.com/pagrada
This IS the link to my own personal website on "MYSPACE", but once you go there, you can find out how to get your own personal site. It's alot of fun, and you might be surprised WHO is on "MYSPACE". (Besides ME, I mean---hehe. After all, I AM a celebrity,---in my OWN mind that is)!! I'm only here to HELP you people!!!
I just love to keep up on cool sites like this one and "MYSPACE", (and of course, www.neopets.com ). Which if you haven't visited, PLEASE do so NOW, (or whenever YOU want, OKAY)? Just a suggestion, not a command, MY PEOPLE, (so), "STAND DOWN". THAT'S an order!!----hehe. No need to get angry, calm down, calm down. I'm just kidding.
Keep checking back for more important news. Same blog time, same blog channel. Adios. Pam
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Have any of you ever heard of "Happy Tree Friends"?
I just found them today. I must say, they are the type of
Funnies that only the weak of mind like.
People like me. A few other people that I know also.
Try it, you might like it!
http://oasi.upc.es/~kiusap/flash/happy_tree_friends/
<
Hey you guys out there that don't have to put up with cold weather. Just click on the link that a good friend of mine sent me. This is somewhat funny, but not to the person that the event happened to. Of course we all have our crosses to bear.
Our cross just doesn't seem to be as cold as this one. I agree. Thank GOD that I live in So-CAL. Where right now it is HOT all night long. SORRY GUY!! Pam
Thank GOD!! (we live in So-Cal) !!! This belongs in the Darwin awards!
<http://media.ebaumsworld.com/snowtow.wmv>
Brian
"Such a fine line between stupid and clever."Spinal Tap
<
Check out this site. Gio Stewart
<http://www.gioforadvice.com/>
<
Ummmm..BLONDE
She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate" *
She put lipstick on her forehead beacause she wanted to make up her mind. *
She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order. *
She sent me a fax with stamp on it. *
She tried to drown a fish. *
She thought a quarterback was a refund. *
She got locked in a grocery store and starved to death. *
She tripped over a cordless phone. *
She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept. *
She asked for a price check at the Dollar Store. *
She studied for a blood test. *
She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats. *
When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur aroundthe home, she moved. *
When she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead. *
When she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" She turned around and went home.
Disclaimer: I've been blonde quite a few times in my life by choice, and I don't believe that even natural born blondes are dumb. I don't believe any such thing. Ditto for the other stereotypes people like to joke about.
Why did I post these derogatory remarks about blondes then? I don't know!!!
Maybe for a laugh, and anyway you can change the color of hair to whatever color you want it to say. I think at any given time anyone could be like this, not intentionally, but the slow in comprehension, the lacking in comprehension, whoever?
Seems like this is getting worse and worse. Anyway, Have a laugh. Today it is at the expense of blondes, next time it may be at the expense of someone closer? I have a headache.
<
Hello everybody!! That's fun, saying "everybody" as if there is a whole world out there just waiting for me to come and post on this site!! Well, whether or not you're out there, I am HERE!!
Yesterday, (tuesday, May 17th, 2005), I really didn't care who was around. I woke up with a humongous headache, neauseous stomach, and just generally feeling like I was gonna die!!! In fact right at that point, I think I would have welcomed it.
Have you ever had one of those days? Nothing you had done, just woke up feeling like 100 miles of bad road? It is no fun, I tell you. For awhile I was thinking, "well, I sure don't feel like going on the computer today". I envisioned, taking some MORE equate extra strength pain relievers, and just laying back down.
Yet, I am addicted to the computer (!!). So, I just had to touch it, even if only to do my e-mail. Soon as I got on YAHOO, I saw over 100 emails in my inbox!! I thought to myself, "see you got stuff to do, you can't just hop back into bed and ignore this, why, by tomorrow there'll be that many more"!
So, I sat down at the desk and started opening emails. I have joined this group on MSN, and the sisters there pray for each other, ask for prayer, and give praise reports. Sometimes the manager of the site also posts sermons. I tell you it's very uplifting!! Even when I go and one of the ladies asks for prayers. It helps me take my mind off of my own woes, and focus on someone else.
Before long, I was feeling as if I might make it!! Of course there were fifteen or so posts on the site and I like to read them all, and even post a response now and again, just to say "hello" or add some of my own personal experience for someone else who is going through something that I may have already been through.
You'd have to be approved by the moderator, but if this is something that you have been looking for, you should take a look at it yourself. I'll post a link to the site at the bottom of my post. I love GOD, JESUS, and the HOLY SPIRIT. I don't know why THEY love me. Maybe because I am so flawed. I am wishy-washy to the point of almost being immobile in the face of any decision.
I don't know whether to eat or not to eat, if my daughter hasn't cooked anything, I will look in the refrigerator, see things there and think, "well, better not touch that, I don't know if Cherokee is going to use that later". She get so frustrated with me, because of that very thing, and I don't blame her. I'm like someone who's been brain-washed. I can't make a move, without an order to do so.
Most of the time I don't want to do anything but HIDE. Why? I don't know. It's another one of those mysteries in my life that either I cannot face, don't want to face, or I'm afraid to face it and find out the real reason why I am the way that I am. I just don't want to rock the boat. I don't want any more things or people in my life making me have to do things, or get involved with things.
I have enough right now to last til JESUS comes back!! So, most of my life is on this computer. I go out to shop, and eat with my daughter and my two nieces, I visit my oldest daughter and her family, and I go to Plushcafe and visit my son and his wife, that is a full enough life for me at this time!! I even stopped going to church with my two nieces, because that was making me have weird withdrawl sensations.
I can't explain that one. I started out loving to go. And I even volunteered to make phone calls, but there were ways to do that, and ways that you had to report which calls you made, and what was said, and how the calls went, you know: protocol. I can't handle that, I couldn't handle that, I had to quit. That made me feel guilty. Then they changed the way the church met.
Now, it was more like a "coffee shop" atmosphere, we sat around a table, and had these little groups, and you could go and buy coffed and drink it while the ministers were giving the sermon. I just got very uncomfortable in that setting, I don't know why. It was meant to be more intimate, and I assume that Michelle and Charlene enjoyed it. I just didn't.
I couldn't bring myself to go any longer. I felt very guilty about that also. I really liked the people at the services, that I had met. I probably allowed the devil to run me out, and I was too weak to stand against him. That is why I join on-line prayer groups, and get bible scriptures sent to my email box daily. To encourage me in the LORD.
Anyway, I haven't forgotten how much I need GOD in my life, it is just that I don't want other people there along with HIM. That is so wrong!!! It's like that old Bill Withers song, a part of it states, "It's like a man loving JESUS, but swears he can't stand the Jews". I claim to love GOD, but I am not so fond of people.
Whom HE loved without measure!! One thing I know is that serving GOD means serving people. We are HIS top priority. I can only take the human race in small doses.
Wouldn't you know it? I got this "mini-sermon" in my email just today, (just right now as a matter of fact), from my prayer group! Very timely, wouldn't you say??
************************************************************************************
I desire you today. Your presence delights MY heart. There is no need to hide. With ME, you are fully accepted. There are no barriers. Let ME never be far away. MY throne of grace is always open. Come boldly before ME and I will shower upon you MY mercy and love. Even as I am hungry for your presence, I want you to be hungry for MINE. Seek after ME with all your heart. MY presence will envelope you and IT will go before you. So, come and let us walk together hand in hand in the cool of the day. Let us be excited about this day and all it holds. I desire you today.
************************************************************************************
Yep, I do feel that GOD is listening and watching every word I think, speak, or even type!! Whew! Pam
Here is that link. Hope that you check it out.
<http://groups.msn.com/login_info.msnw?referer=join&ru=http%3A%2F%2Fgroups%2Emsn%2Ecom%2FTru2GodAlways%2F%5Fjoin%2Emsnw%3F&commname=Tru2GodAlways>
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BOW DOWN.
Bow down and worship Him
Worship Him
Oh ---- worship Him
Bow down and worship Him
Enter in
Oh ---- enter in
Consuming fire, sweet perfume
His awesome presence fills this room
This is holy ground
So come and bow down
Bow down
and worship Him, and worship Him. Amen!
To all who read this post. May HIS HOLINESS,
FATHER GOD, bless you and yours, in
all things, good and proper. I pray for my
friends and aquaintences daily, and I remember
to say: GOD'S will be done, in each and every
life that I come across, while I am surfing
this site. All the Glory goes to GOD
ALMIGHTY. HALLELUJAH!!! Amen.
<
Name: Pamela Grant Daniels (nee: Goodwin).
Parents: Gilbert Grant Goodwin and Lugenia Cornelia Strickland (Taylor-Goodwin).
Birthday: June 25th, 1947. Two weeks after my dad's birthday (June 10th), and two weeks before my mom's birthday (July 9th). Special, huh?
Siblings: Yes, I have: two sisters. Billie Jean Price (nee: Strong), Anna Elizabeth Akers (nee: Goodwin). and seven brothers. Robbin Adair Goodwin (deceased, VietNam conflict, 1966), Gilbert Eugene Goodwin, Loran Cornelius Goodwin, Kenneth Milton Goodwin, Patrick Lynn Goodwin, William Grant Goodwin, Craig Bennett Goodwin.
Birthplace: Riverside, CA. In the back seat of a Chevrolet car, driven by my Dad's cousin Audrey. Going down Magnolia Avenue towards the hospital.
Current Location: Riverside, CA.
Eye Color: Brown.
Hair Color: Brown, darker brown than my eyes.
Height: 5' 0".
Weight: Just over 140 lbs. (sigh).
Right Handed or Left Handed: Right handed, all the way.
Your Heritage: I say, "Black". Yet, there are a few others races in there that made me, ME.
The Shoes You Wore Today: Black swimming shoes (for boys). They're cute.
Your Weakness: Very handsome men. I get weak kneed around them.
Your Fears: I can't really articulate my fears.
Your favorite Pizza: Sausage with green pepper, mushrooms and onions, lots of cheese, thick soft crust.
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year: To help make my family solvent, happy and ALL together in one huge mansion, like on "Dallas". (the T V show).
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger: I don't used any IM messenges.
Thoughts First Waking Up: "Whoa, I'm still alive!!!, Thank YOU FATHER GOD, for blessing me, and all my family also!!! Amen".
Your Best Physical Feature: My face, people still tell me I am pretty.
Your Bedtime: I don't have any special time to go to bed.
Your Most Missed Memory: Making love (with my husband, kissing him). Long ago sad memories. "Sigh".
Pepsi or Coke: Diet Pepsi.
MacDonalds or Burger King: Bruger King. Really Carl's Junior is best to me!!!
Single or Group Dates: Single. To the Drive-in, or to dinner. Fun!!!
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: Nestea or Lipton, no difference to me, but with lemon.
Chocolate or Vanilla: Vanilla, with frozen sliced strawberries on top.
Cappuccino or Coffee: I don't know if I ever had a cappuccinos? I love coffee with lots of creamer (Hazelnut flavor), and fake sugar.
Do you Smoke: Not anymore, it's been over 38 years since I did it, seriously.
Do you Swear: No, damn it!!! Hell no! (sometimes, but not often). :)
Do you Sing: It's not good anymore, but I still do it.
Do you Shower Daily: No, but often enough for my skin and hair to always smell good.
Have you Been in Love: Yes, and I still am in love.
Do you want to go to College: Not only no, but HELL no! See, you made me cuss!
Do you want to get Married: I am still married to my first husband, (for 34 years now)!!
Do you belive in yourself: Believe what in myself? WHAT???
Do you get Motion Sickness: No.
Do you think you are Attractive: Yes, for my age.
Are you a Health Freak: No, I hate to focus on myself, or on my health.
Do you get along with your Parents: They are both deceased, but yes, once I did get along with both of them. I was Daddy's little girl right up until he died.
Do you like Thunderstorms: If I am in the house, and it is dark and I am warm, sure.
Do you play an Instrument: No, I never had the descipline to take lessons.
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol: Yes, a little bit of wine. White Zinfandel. At Plush Cafe.
In the past month have you Smoked: NO. Not in over 30 years!!!
In the past month have you been on Drugs: Yes, the doctor gives me drugs for my ailments, of which I have many. Diabetes and so on.
In the past month have you gone on a Date: NO.
In the past month have you gone to a Mall: Nope.
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos: No, none.
In the past month have you eaten Shushi: Yes. California Rolls.
In the past month have you been on stage: Yes. I sang at Garth's going away party, with my Granddaughter, also at Plush Cafe.
In the past month have you been dumped: No.
In the past month have you gone skinny dipping: NOOOOOOOOOOO.
In the past month have you stolen anything: No.
In the past month have you been called a tease? NOOOOOOOOO.
How do you want to Die: Peacefully in bed and without too much pain. Please GOD?
What do you want to be when you grow up? I'd like to be a woman of my word. (I am grown-up chronologically). I still feel like a youngster though, in my mind!
Where would you like to go in this world. To bed. To sleep. Perchance to dream?
Do you take drugs: Yes, the doctor has prescribed me plenty of medications that are serious drugs. For my Neuropathy, diabetes, osteoporosis, chronic pain, et'c, et'c, et'c!!!
Number of CDs: I own: 2 or 4, I guess? I listen to Cherokee's, she has hundreds of them.
Number of piercings: Four.
Number of piercings in each ear? Two, all together I have 4.
Number of Tattoos: None.
Number of things in my past I regret: None, I've been forgiven for everything I've ever done!!
IN A GUY/GIRL:
***For me, it's guys all the way, okay? *** So, here goes.
Eye Color: Green, Blue, Hazel then Brown. Grey would be heaven to see.
Hair color: R E D, is my favorite hair color. I also like: Blonde or brown, and Bald!!
Height: Long as he is over, 5' 5", I'm cool.
Race: I don't see race in a person. Only personality!! (or even nice features), at first.
Personality: I like a man to be open hearted, nicely funny, loves his own family, treats his mother, and father with respect!!, but he's independant, likes to go out to movies, loves to snuggle, not too aggressive in love-making, tender, a "one-woman man attitude" at all times.
Job type: I don't care what he does, as long as it is legal, moral in nature, and he is happy at it, and willing and able to pay the rent, and still have money left over for food bills, and fun, also. Alot to ask? I don't think so!
Car type: I really am not a snob. I would be happy, if he does have an automobile, it is in good working order, and he keeps it very clean. I'd even help with that.
Looks: I really don't have to have an adonis, but he has to be able to enter a room and Not scare people!! I like a clean person. One that smells good and likes to shower or bathe. Wears clean clothes everyday after work! Hair, lots or bald, just so long as it is neat!!
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Today is saturday. I have a wonderful feeling this morning. I have gone and read a few of my acquaintences blogs, some of their archived blogs, and I feel that I have something to contribute to someone, with the offering up of my own experiences.
When I was a teenager/young adult, we were in a period of war, the same as it is today, but it was our time, we were passionate and opinionated. We didn't think that we were going to live to 21 at that time, so we thought that we had to do everything "right then", we had to fall in love, have kids, (if we were so inclined), maybe we even had to get married? It had to be quick, and it had to be now, and it sure wasn't painless. Yet, in alot of ways it was fun.
It was the time of "make love not war"!! "Give peace a chance", "I'm leaving next month, and I don't know if I'll ever see you again". It was because in those days, VietNam was so HUGE, 'cause guys right around my age were going, lots didn't come home, alive, even my brother Robbie went, and sadly he also came home in a coffin. We (lots of my friends and me), thought that this was "the beginning of the end". When life kept going on, and on. I think that things got so bad, that I was slightly disappointed, I was tired of the fighting.
I had my child, I had had the "love of my life", and it hadn't worked for me. I made alot of bad choices, not the decision I made to keep my baby, but the one of not getting married to the first guy that asked me, even though he wasn't the baby's father. I don't know why I felt that that was the life I wanted? Being an un-wed mother? An un-wed teen-aged mother, and high school drop out at that? As days went by, the realization came upon me, hey, this is HARD, WORK, WOW!!!!
What happened to the fun? What happened to the songs we sang about peace, and the wine that was always pouring so freely, and the running around in the streets like maniacs, we were constantly screaming out, "HELL no, we won't go" !!! Lots of us didn't go. Yet, stil it all stopped, and I saw that all I was facing was the fact that I had bottles to make, and diapers to change, sometimes a sick baby to care for, and no man there to help in any way.
Then I decided if I was left with a baby to raise, and a job to get to do that. I had better go back and finish school, so I got my GED, and went to work. Anyway, that story has been told over and over, spoken about, and hashed over, so I'll stop it right there. People get tired of hearing "how I got over". Oh yeah, that baby got on all right, he is a wonderful man as I know him, and love him.
I am a different person now, but I must admit, I did alot of stuff, I've gone through alot of stuff, and I survived alot of stuff too. I like to be asked questions about it, and I like to tell people that just like I did, you can survive all of the wrong choices also. With GOD, all things are possible!!!!!! But let me tell you that, without HIM??? Life is hell, on wheels, going downhill, on ice!!!!!
Life went on, and we are in alot of pain now, and we are so scared right now. Even with GOD right here, I am aprehensive ( in my natural state), about my future. The world isn't a nice place, things are chaotic, and craziness and total insanity abounds. I have to think that it will soon come to an end, at least an end to the things that we are going through right now. When I read my scriptures, I do have hope. I don't even look at death the same as I used to.
I just trust in the LORD with all of my heart, I don't lean to my own understanding, in all my ways, I acknowledge HIM, and I have faith that HE has directed my path, all the way". One day at a time, that is. (and). I take things one day at a time. Oh, don't get me wrong!! I still "bitch and moan", but that is just human nature, and if I am one thing and one thing only, it is human!
Okay? I never claimed to have all the answers, heck some of the time, most of the time, actually, I am grossfully unable to even formulate any of the questions, let alone know many of the answers!! I do have several experiences under my belt, and they are right here on the surface, waiting for me to take them out and dust them off, and offer them to someone else, in hopes that it might help someone else avoid the ruts and pitfalls that I myself fell into along the way to where I am now!! Which is no more and no less, than a 57, nearly 58 year old surviver.
In my fifties, still alive, (for the most part), and still in a position to think that: Love still is the most wonderful thing in the whole world!! That being with someone that makes you laugh and is always right there for you and you are right there for them is truly something special, and that having your spouse as your dearest friend is a total miracle that needs to be blessed and nurtured and taken care of as if the promises (to love honor and obey) were made of pure platinum!!
We know how precious that is. Right?
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You were my man, my darling, my hopes, my dreams. For you to understand what this means.
I will explain.
I stood all the jealousies, and all the bitching too.
Yes, I'd forget them all, once in bed with you.
Oh, darling! How could we end up like this?
Oh, baby, let me reminisce.
And when we, "ooooooooooo", we stopped the hands of time!!
You set my soul on fire, and my one desire was to love you,
and think of you with PRIDE., and keep you
satisfied.
Oh baby, oooooooooooooooo baby! We could not bear down
'neath the strain.
Leave you? I never meant to, now you seeeeeeee how much
you hurt me, but, if you ever need me?
I'll be by your side. For the many happy times
we shared.
Take the good along with the bad.
I've NEVER loved nobody, like I loved you baby, but
Now, it's time for us to say, "farewell".
Farewell, my darling! Maybe we'll meet,
Down the line?
It's too late for you and me.
Much too late for you and I.
Much too late for you to cry.
It's too late for you and me.
Much too late for you and I.
Much too late for me to cry.
Oh, we tried, GOD knows we tried.
Now, it's too late.
(There's a bit more to this song, but it loses something in the writing down. Because when
Marvin Gaye sings it, you can hear his pain in the song, I think that he was singing the song
to a real woman, maybe his wife, Anna? Or someone he really loved and had to leave? I
don't really know for sure. One thing that I do know, is that I sing this song in many of my
own dreams, to my husband, Richard. and I know in my heart that it is too late for us. I can still cry for the loss of love, even though sometimes I believe that the actual emotion is, and always was, only in my own mind. This is why this song stays on my mind day after day,
month after month, year after year. It won't let me go. Me with the tender heart).
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To my brotha's and sista's with some sense: DOES THAT MEAN I'M NOT BLACK.
DOES THAT MEAN I'M NOT BLACK ? By Reginald Jackson
I grew up in the ghettos and the slums of St. Louis, Missouri, I vowed early on in my life that my background would not define me I swore if I got out of the "hood" I was never going back Because I choose not to return, does that mean that I'm not black?
I spoke proper English, got straight A's in school, Because of that I was ridiculed and told I wasn't cool Is ignorance our only measure, I hope that's not a fact, Because I'm educated, does that mean I'm not black?
I teach my sons the value of education and doing well in school, I'd hate to think that one of mine was known as the neighborhood fool I ride them hard about their grades and don't cut them any slack, Because I want them to be smart and successful does that mean that I'm not black?
If I go to a nightclub and a brother steps on my shoe, Is punching that man in the face the thing I should do If I choose to forgive him and not create some flack, Does my understanding and compassion mean that I'm not black? Black people spend a lot of time focusing on material things, Fancy cars, expensive clothes, and flashy diamond rings I don't wear baggy clothes or wear my hat turned to the back, And just because I don't do so, does that mean that I'm not black?
I grew up when Rap music was about entertainment and fun, But now all Rap music seems to be about is bitches, drugs, and guns I choose not to buy into that, because I think its whack, But because I don't like gangster Rap does that mean I'm not black?
We don't respect anything, don't respect anyone else, It seems to me that being black these days is all about yourself There's nothing wrong with loving who you are and all the things you do, But I was taught to respect myself, and to respect other people too, We walk around all angry with bad attitudes, It seems to me being black these days is all about being rude. I'm not dissin' or hatin', I'm just simply stating the facts, But because I do not hate the world does that mean I'm not black?
My brothers and sisters all brag about being gangstas and thugs, All of our movies and music glamorize violence, crime, and drugs But I refuse to reinforce our negative stereotypes, I want my life to represent more than just bullshit and hype When I hear the phrase "ghetto fabulous" I think what's up with that shit, I grew up in the ghetto and there was nothing fabulous about it!
The ghetto ain't filled with nothing but poverty, dirt, and squalor, I'm a tell y'all like Marvin Gaye said, it makes me wanna holler!But all B-S aside, I'm trying to keep it real, I love my black people, that's just how I feel So no matter what I've said tonight, I hope you've got my back 'Cause in the immortal words of Run DMC, I'm proud to be black!__________________________________________
"A man will never put forth all his energies, if he lacks something outside himself to draw upon" - Unknown
"To love someone deeply gives you strength, being loved by someone gives you courage" - Lao Tzu
